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To be human or to be a boy? Or can a boy be both? That’s the question young boys would ask, if only they could.
We have always thought of boys as the privileged ones — and rightfully so. But when it comes to their emotional life, they have mostly been at a disadvantage. Without ever letting us know.
With the revelations leading up to the #Me Too and Times Up movements, I was left wondering — why? Why would anyone behave this way? What can we do or say that would bring about a change? How can we encourage boys to grow up to be empathetic, kind men with a regard for boundaries?
It is encouraging today to see men who are trying to redefine the role of being a man. They are courageous people who are choosing to be different, because they know the harm ‘normal stereotypes’ cause. But we need more young men to embrace the change.
As much as we encourage girls to challenge the norms, it is time to encourage boys to take pride in breaking free from the stereotypes and redefining the aspect of “being a man.”
It is Normal to Cry
When we are sad, upset, or overcome by emotion, it is normal to cry. Tears have a direct correlation to our feelings. Though we commonly avoid crying in front of others, tears represent vulnerability, which is critical for human connection.
When boys cry, the common reaction is to say ‘big boys don’t cry’. Why is shedding tears considered a weakness? Because that is what is implied and what our boys are learning when we ask them not to cry.
“Actually being able to cry emotionally, and being able to respond to that, is a very important part of being human.” — Michael Trimble, a professor emeritus at University College London.
Tears are one of the many ways we express our emotions. Did you know that human beings are the only species that cry to express emotion?
Try this instead: When a boy is sad or in tears, comfort him. Don’t ignore the emotion that triggered the tears. Give him your undivided attention and help him talk through it. This teaches a boy that his emotions matter and he learns to value, express, understand, and manage his emotions better.
It is Normal to Express Your Emotions
Recently, my son had to change schools. He was terribly sad to leave his friends and teachers behind and he continued to keep in touch with them. Yet, he didn’t feel that it was appropriate to tell them how much he missed them. Because he felt “that’s a little too sappy.”
It saddened me that the young man who until now wasn’t shy of expressing his emotions, was learning the secret code of “being a man.” I was concerned that in spite of our efforts at home, he was imbuing the subtle messages from society.
It’s not the experience of emotion that distinguishes boys and girls — it’s the expression of it — Dr.Michael Reichert, PhD, Psychologist
Feelings and emotions are an integral part of being human. Boys are learning through social cues, that expressing their feelings or even acknowledging them is not appropriate. Can anyone hope to have a fulfilling relationship without acknowledging or sharing their feelings and emotions?
When boys grow up into men, they continue to ignore or suppress their emotions leading to the inability to connect and nurture meaningful relationships. We often hear women complain that their husbands seem distant and emotionally withdrawn. No wonder!
Also, I can only imagine how hard it must be to go through life without being able to share your innermost thoughts and feelings? It must be terribly burdensome and lonely.
Try this instead: In order for our boys to have meaningful emotional connections and enduring, enriching relationships, we have to allow them the space and the permission to understand and express their emotions constructively. We need to recognize that just like all of us, boys need and want deep, meaningful connections with others. The only barrier is the acceptance of this fact by society.
According to leading psychologists Michael Thompson and Dan Kindlon, the authors of Raising Cain, the three steps to helping boys are: “identify and name the emotions, recognize the emotional content of voice and facial expression, and understanding the situations or reactions that produce emotional states.”
These steps, they say, help boys “to be reflective and expressive of their own feelings and to be responsive to the feelings of others.”
It is Normal to Have High Energy
We often ignore bad behavior and questionable choices — words or actions — and treat a boy like a prince. At other times, we consider anger or a display of defiance as expressions of masculinity and either punish them severely or just let it slide.
For example, when boys are fidgety and disruptive in class because they just won’t settle down, they are often humiliated, punished, or termed a “problem.” This leads to boys feeling misunderstood and results in defiance and low self-esteem. Alternately, no action is taken because “boys will be boys,” leading to a sense of entitlement.
Try this instead: It is important to set limits and define what is acceptable behavior so that boys learn to understand, self-regulate, and hold themselves accountable. When they display anger or push the boundaries, reflect with them, ask questions, and be willing to listen with an open mind. Try to understand their point of view and figure out a solution with them. Don’t dictate the solution.
It is Normal to Express Empathy
During one of my son’s visits to the orthodontist, the doctor decided to pull out a couple of wobbly baby teeth. I wasn’t informed or consulted. So, it was disconcerting to see him come out to the waiting area with blood on his shirt. Seeing me, his eyes welled up and he struggled to maintain his composure.
The doctor came out and joked about it — not in a way that would make him feel better but in a condescending way, inherently meaning for him to “suck it up.” I couldn’t help but notice that even though he was an experienced doctor, he lacked empathy. It felt as though my son’s pain and discomfort didn’t matter at all.
I have witnessed many instances where boys are treated this way. They are humiliated for any expression of emotion and as a result they eventually learn to grin and bear the pain — both physical and emotional. “Suck it up” and “be a man” are subtle messages that translate as “suppress your fears, worries, pain, and suffering.” Conformity to the gender expectations matters more than self-expression.
Try this instead: We need to stop making these generalized, derogatory statements to our boys. We need to treat boys with empathy and encourage them to prioritize being a kind human being over being a man. Refraining from making statements and modeling empathetic behavior also helps.
Final Thoughts
When we make insensitive statements, like the ones above, boys internalize these messages. If we want a kinder world and happy, healthy boys, we have to encourage them to understand and express their emotions. We need to accept the fact that boys crave connection just like everyone else. So let’s focus on helping them build those connections with parents, teachers, coaches, mentors, friends, etc. It’s up to each one of us as responsible adults to earn the trust of boys and model the kind of behavior we expect from them.
Also, it is not about boys vs girls, it is about boys and girls. We need all our children, irrespective of their gender identity, to thrive on this planet. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are all an intrinsic part of each other’s everyday lives — in the form of friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, partners, teachers. The behavior of one invariably impacts the others, just like in a family.
I look forward to a world where the gender of our children doesn’t define them; where they have equal opportunities and are free to live, work, and be themselves without judgement. I look forward to the time when they can truly take pride in being their authentic selves without having to conform to the outdated norms imposed upon them.